Hai guys, Ruby here. I know I haven’t been consistant when it comes to writing on this blog. I’m sorry about this. I’ve been debating for almost a year now if I should have this chat with you guys and I’ve decided I should address the elephant in my life. Part of me is worried that I probably shouldn’t talk about it, that it might be too heavy of a topic for my blog, but this other part of me want to open up to all of you. So here it goes.
For a year now I’ve been dealing with a mental health issue which has been affecting me more than I would like it too. Some of you might know about it, but others might not. What I have is called Clinical depression and just like the name indicates, it’s a type of depression, so to speak. For the past year I’ve been struggling with that voice in my head which keeps bringing me down, which makes me feel like doing nothing but crawling in my bed and crying my eyes out. For a year I have been fighting it and doing everything in my power to not let it get me down. It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie to you guys. And it hasn’t got much better. Although I’m really against putting chemical things in my body, I knew when it started a year ago that I would need help. So I have been on anti-depressants for almost a year and recently I’ve had to get the dose adjusted.
It’s hard you know, feel like this. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel like crawling under my blankets and staying there. Through out bthe year I went through some evenb rougher periods at the place where I used to work at. Things that has greatly affected my self confidence. The hard part about being depressed is how easy it is to pretend like you’re okay on the outside. I’m not suicidal, not by any means, but that doesn’t make it less bad. I have to go through every day trying to force myself to wake up in the morning or to leave the house even though I’d rather not. I have to make myself talk to people when most of the time I’d rather not talk to anyone.
But if only it was just that. Just this year, I’ve had two others friends who have either thought of taking their own life or told me they were going to do it. For one of those two friends, I actually had to call the cops. I don’t regret it, don’t get me wrong. And unlike what I expected, she wasn’t mad at me for calling the cops on her, quite the opposite. She thanked me for doing it. Now, I know that there’s a lot of you guys out there who are probably going through some similar things. I’ve been through a similar thing in the past, like years ago, and a friend of mine stopped me from doing something I would have regretted. I know that suicide can seem like the best option, but trust me, it’s not. I know I don’t know you guys very well, but let me tell you that I care about every single one of you out there. I know for sure that in all of your lives there is at least one person who loves you and who would do anything to help you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I know that coming from me, a clinically depressed person, it might seem ironic. But see, I never gave up on anyone, not even myself. When I hit the bottom, when I fell down, I got up. It might have taken me every bit of strenght in my body, but I did it. I’m proud of myself for doing that. In high school I used to be bullied, made fun of by guys and girls in my classes, but it’s not until I stood up for myself that they left me alone. I remember that time like it was yesterday, and I also remember shaking inside while I was doing it, while I was standing up for myself. I was so proud of myself for doing it afterwards. They left me alone afterwards.
While being depressed, I’ve had to deal with things, scars and such, that I did to myself. Things I really wish I hadn’t done, things I wish someone had stopped me from doing, yet no one ever did. Today, I have to deal with the looks people give me when they see my scars. It doesn’t feel good. I hate my body, I hate the way I look. But lately I’ve been trying to change that. I’ve been trying to feel better about how I look, finding things that I like about me. Every day, I look at myself in the mirror and I pick one thing that I like about myself, something different than what I picked the previous day. Today, it’s my eyes. I have really beautiful eyes. Yesterday it was my smile. The day before it was my hands, etc.
I don’t know what you guys will think of me afterwards, or even if anyone will be reading this, but I hope someone does. I would like to hear more about you. Tell me something about yourself that you like today. Tell me if you are going through something like this, or if you know someone who is. Or maybe just tell me how you are or where you are reading this from. I wanna hear from you. Remember that you are not alone. 🙂
I love every single one of you. If you have any questions or feel like saying or talking to me about anything, feel free to comment down below. I hope I will hear from one of you guys, but if not, that’s okay too.